


Music Meister’s Medley of Multiversal Mayhem!

by Hiver_Frost_Elf



Series: ♪ 84.3 Radio HFE ♫ [5]
Category: DC's Legends of Tomorrow (TV)
Genre: Bullying, Crack, Crack Treated Seriously, Crossover, Dialog heavy, Dimension Travel, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Torture, Mick Rory Defense Squad, Musicals, Not Canon Compliant, Singing, Song Parody, rated for language
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-24
Updated: 2017-03-24
Packaged: 2018-10-10 04:37:08
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 2,206
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10429233
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Hiver_Frost_Elf/pseuds/Hiver_Frost_Elf
Summary: Music Meister teaches a lesson to the Legends—with help from some special guest stars!~ Alternatively ~EPIC RAP BATTLES OF FANDOM!MICK RORY DEFENSE SQUADVERSUSLEGENDS OF TOMORROW!!BEGIN!!!





	1. Legion of Doomed

**Author's Note:**

> If Flash’s writers can use a mediocre musical to teach Flash & Supergirl about the _power of love_ , **I** can use a mediocre musical to teach the Legends that they’re jerks.
> 
> FYI, we’re taking cues from Batman: the Brave and the Bold’s Music Meister because let’s face it, folks, B&B’s MM is more memorable.
> 
> This can stand alone, just in case y'all see the 5000 series this is a part of and faint. I mean, it'd _nice_ if you read other things I've written, but it's not strictly necessary in order to enjoy this fic.

The Legion of Doom was innocently brainwashing Captain Cold—as ya do—when a mischievous melody began.  They paused their ministrations and whipped around to discover three intruders: a speedster with Blue Lightning wearing a teal suit reminiscent of Zoom, a violinist in cat ears and an emerald green bandana around her wrist, and a ginger wearing a trench coat with music note buttons.  The speedster waved at them as if it was perfectly normal for them to visit, “Servus! Vie geht’s?  We’re here for Lenny, please!”

“Thanks for saving him from the Oculus, but we’re gonna bring him home now,” said the violinist.

The Legion blinked before busting out their weapons, yet their hands and feet soon locked in place.  The ginger shrugged with amused disappointment before grinning at the Legion, “We tried to come and go peacefully, but I guess we’ll play it your way.”

Merlyn gripped his bow tighter, “Then it sounds to me like it's time to rumble!”

Darhk: Indeed, for soon, it’s you three who will take the _tumble_...

Thawne: Darhk, did you just sing that?

Darhk: Of course I did _not!_ Wait, yes I _did!_

_I'm sounding shrill against my will, and cannot stop this singing!_

Thawne: _And in my ears, I swear I hear a quite distinctive ringing!_

Merlyn: _This silly game is very lame; just wait, and soon you’ll pay!_

Thawne: _This unknown force, this guest’s the source that has us in its sway._

Darhk: _You are doing this to us. And on this, we must concur;_

Legion: _You’re dastardly, despicable, disturbingly inexplicable..._

Merlyn: _And imminently kickable!_

Legion: _This dirty, rotten rat is..._

Music Meister: _[The Music Meister!](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V_q1SdaWLlw)_

_Put down your arms, my friends: your arrows, guns, and swords,_

_Your resistance to my charm now ends, when I belt these power chords!_

_Bandits or scoundrels, it doesn't really matter._

_You are imprisoned by my hypnotic patter!_

_As I regale you with my story, you'll know you have no choice,_

_But to do my righteous bidding when you hear this booming voice!_

_Ohhhhh, I'm the Music Meister!_

Legion & Music Meister’s minions: _He's the Music Meister!_

Music Meister: _And everyone just fawns!_

Legion & Music Meister’s minions: _He's the Music Meister!_

Legion: _And we are all his pawns!_

Music Meister: _Destined to fight cruelty as the maestro of morality!_

_Yes, I'm the Music Meister, and I'm here to settle the score!_

“You see, I too have plans for Captain Cold,” the ginger singer admitted while prowling around the dungeon, wagging his finger at his stubborn captives. “And now that I've established who's in charge... set him free!”

The Legion horrifically laid down their weapons and did as he demanded.  They’d already force fed him concoctions in preparation of this session, so Len had been hallucinating all day; however, this was the first hallucination which contained somebody who called him Lenny, so Len tentatively went along with it.

Music Meister: _Bullies used to pick on me because I sang in choir,_

_But something rather strange occurred when I kept singing higher!_

_The ruffians around me quickly fell into a trance,_

_And it was then with guiltless glee I made those puppets dance!_

_I'm the Music Meister!_

Len & Legion & Music Meister’s minions: _He's the Music Meister!_

Music Meister: _And everyone just fawns!_

Len & Legion & Music Meister’s minions: _He's the Music Meister!_

Legion: _And we are all his pawns!_

Music Meister: _I'm the Music Meister!  Right became my path!_

Len: _He's the Music Meister, and we must beware his wrath!_

“Your voice can hit a pitch which hypnotizes anyone who hears it!  Your concerto of justice is over!” Thawne declared.  He tried phasing his eardrums to absorb the pitch at a harmless frequency, but the other speedster locked him anti-phasing cuffs before Thawne could register the sensation.  Whoever this stranger was, he was faster than the speed of thought.  If the Legion could sweep him under its sway—Thawne’s schemes were interrupted by the ginger’s chuckles booming throughout the dungeon as he, his minions, and Len departed.

Music Meister: _I'm the Music Meister!  I cannot help but boast!_

Len & Legion & Music Meister’s minions: _He's the Music Meister!_

Legion: _Under his spell we're toast!_

Music Meister: _I'm the Music Meister!  I've won the day, now I must fly!_

_I'm the Music Meister, and I'm here to settle the score!_


	2. Losers of Tomorrow

“Mick needs to enroll in Weight Watchers,” Jax groaned after he and Nate lugged Mick onto a cot in the med bay.  This week’s shit came gift-wrapped with swirly ribbons.  Mick volunteered to open it after poking it with his foot, setting it on fire with his heat gun, and flash freezing it with his late husband’s cold gun.

“What should we expect from an impulsive slug who eats, drinks, and _occasionally_ fights aberrations?” Nate sneered.  They bolted back to the bridge when alarms boomed throughout the _Waverider_.  They didn’t simply screech to a halt; they halted as if someone had trapped them inside mannequin versions of themselves.  Their gazes landed on Music Meister’s minions.  The speedster was snapping to a jovial melody from the violinist’s instrument.

Music Meister’s minions: _[Oompa loompa doompety deam](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eg9EuFmo-VU)_

_What happens when you don’t act like a team?_

_Oompa loompa doompety dus_

_If you are wise, you’ll listen to us_

_Our brand new pal told us two about_

_how Mick you “Legends” always doubt._

Speedster: _Feel free to sit down; we’ll give our intro._

Violinist: _My name is Hermey and he’s Solnishko._

Music Meister’s minions: _Oompa loompa doompety dat_

_We’re both here to have us a chat_

_Oompa loompa doompety day_

_How you all treat Mick isn’t okay!_

Hermey segued into a crackling tune.  She and Solnishko danced around each other as if they’d rehearsed this over and over for a lifetime.  Thus was the benefit of Music Meister’s blessing upon them.  They amiable bumped elbows before continuing.

Solnishko: _[Wow! You all think you’re sages!](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=w0pnTm-KK9k)_

Hermey: _Let’s do it like we do on our series’ pages!_

Both: _Your treatment is preposterous,_

_opposed to Mick’s healing process,_

_and in this musical, we’ll give y’all a synopsis!_

_You called Mick evil yet forgot one fact:_

_Sara’s killed folks, too—refute that!_

_And Professor Stein, you drugged Jax onboard._

_Such knavery oughtta be abhorred._

Hermey: _Good thing y’all gotta med bay._

Solnishko: _Cuz ya just burned._

Hermey: _You are poor teammates._

Solnishko: _And that’s confirmed._

Hermey and Solnishko ended back to back, raising their eyebrows expectantly at the Legends.  Finally, Martin asked the question everybody else was dying to ask, “....Why are you concerned with Mr. Rory?”

The duo smirked at them before Solnishko said, “If you can’t figure that out on your own, you’ve got the IQ of meat.”

“That wasn’t us, that was Hunter!” Sara interjected, twitching for her knives yet frozen in her seat.

“We know,” Hermey grinned angrily. “Just like we know he said that when Mick was having a really bad day.”

“You mean the day he sold us out to those freakin’ Time Pirates!?” Jax snarled. “Cuz it was a way worse day for _us_ than for _him_.”

“Did you ask _why_ he did it?” Solnishko asked.

Ray answered, “....He said something about wanting to go back to Central.”

“That’s right, he was homesick: a perfectly normal thing that happens to perfectly normal folks, especially folks who feel unimportant and unloved wherever they are,” Solnishko huffed.

Hermey turned to Amaya, “You called Mick an animal.  As someone who realizes that most—if not all—animals do at least one thing better than humans, I don’t see this as much of an insult; however, most folks—including Mick—don’t share this viewpoint.” She addressed the group. “You may not have called him a slab of meat, yet you did claim you’d get more use out of a sandwich and that brainwashed is his normal mental state.”

The Legends defrosted a few degrees, yet Hermey and Solnishko continued their assault.

Solnishko: _Ghosts aren’t real._

Hermey: _That being said._

Both: _It’s time to bring our bro-in-law back from the dead!_

The bridge became chilly when an outraged, parka-clad Rogue marched in.  Hermey and Solnishko faded into the background while Len struck for blood.

Len: _[I’m the most prominent, dominant captain, so pay homage](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Iy7xDGi5lp4),_

_handing out ass whippings cuz my husband’s in bondage._

_Your behavior stirs my anger; Mick’s especially shaken._

_How long’s it gonna take you assholes to finally awaken?_

_I see your attitudes, and I’m sick of you all!_

_If you ever need us, don’t bother to call._

And with that, Len and Solnishko strapped in while Hermey piloted the _Waverider_ back to Central City.


	3. Epic Bro Battles of History: Mick Rory Versus Mick Rory!

Mick woke up with a warmth behind him.  He didn’t need to open his eyes to recognize the shape of the physique and the patterns of scars and tattoos.  He kept his eyes closed.  He was terrified that his hallucinations had infected his tactile receptors.

“It’s really me this time, Sparky,” Len peppered the back of his neck with kisses.  Mick squirmed, shivered, and shook his head tearfully.  Len held him close when Mick began sobbing for the rest he hadn’t been getting ever since Len died.  It was a voiceless cry.  Speaking to the Legends was like sticking his arms into a den of lions and his legs into a lake of piranha.  It was safer to not talk.  Not that he felt safe on the _Waverider_ anymore.

....He wasn’t on the _Waverider_.

He bolted up, ready to break out of wherever those Time Bastards had imprisoned him now.  His internal alarms were both blaring and silent.   He quivered.  He snapped his gaze at Len and breathed shakily.

Len swung off their bed and took Mick’s hands in his.  This was bad.  Mick didn’t recognize safehouse #8: their fifth anniversary gift.  It’d been a while since they’d last relaxed here.  Len thought this would smooth the spikes in Mick’s armor, yet if Len couldn’t convince him that Mick wasn’t hallucinating, then it was time to introduce a threesome nobody could dream up.

Len kept at least one hand firmly latched onto Mick as they padded into their backyard beach.  Mick seemed just as determined to stay in his grasp.  Mick was a tactile person, sure, but he was being more so than usual today.

They found their guests nibbling sandwiches and potato chips, having set up baskets’ worth of goodies on a checkerboard blanket.  Music Meister patted a pair of empty spaces.  The kids were debating an important topic, so they didn’t notice the older duo’s entrance.

“My brother can beat up your brother,” Solnishko insisted.

“My brother cooks better than your brother.”

“My brother stole my favorite painting by my favorite artist for my birthday!”

“My brother got me painted by my favorite artist for my birthday!!!”

Solnishko lasered her with annoyance at her smugly closed eyes.  Music Meister laughed, “How about we agree that both of your brothers are kind, caring folks and that neither of them is better than the other?”

Solnishko and Hermey looked at Music Meister like he’d proposed a ridiculous notion, so Hermey conspired with Solnishko, “Or we can agree that both of our brothers are superior to Lisa’s!” Solnishko nodded and hummed his agreement.

Len overplayed taking it personally, “You little shits!”

Hermey and Solnishko looked up at Mick excitedly and worriedly.  Mick blinked.  His eyebrow twitched.  He looked to his husband.

“Music Meister, Hermey, and Solnishko,” Len informed. “Music Meister can see the entire multiverse, and he wasn’t happy with how the Legends were treating you; so he brought the others along to help him out.”

“They weren’t that bad, Lenny,” Mick broke his gaze.

“I used to say my moms weren’t that bad,” Hermey told him once she and Solnishko set their sandwiches down and approached him.

Mick eyed them warily, “What’s in it for you two?”

“Nothing!” they chirped before hugging him. “We love you!  Our Earths’ version of you is our brother.”

Mick finally relaxed enough to bite into some sandwiches: roast beef, mayo, and more roast beef.  He set it down and looked off in the distance before snapping back to reality, “If you’re my siblings, how’d y’all survive the fire???”

Solnishko and Hermey’s eyebrows knitted together with confusion until they sparked with alarm.  Hermey assured him, “You adopted us after that.”

“The only thing of mine you ever burned was my prison,” Solnishko added adoringly.  Mick frowned happily until a shadow of a smile flickered across his face.  Solnishko handed him and Len each a cPhone, “If you ever wanna visit us or talk to us, these’ll let you do it!”

“We gotta go now; we’ve got plans!” Hermey beamed and rubbed her hands together.

“We’re gonna go to my Earth and—”

“No!” Hermey clasped a hand over his mouth. “Don’t tell them, or you’ll blurt it out to everybody else, and it’ll be all over Crookbook in five minutes flat!  You’ll ruin the surprise!”

Hermey pushed him through a portal to Hawk Earth.  They both waved “Byeeeeeee!” while Music Meister waltzed alongside them, leaving Len and Mick to their picnic.

“....That was really weird,” Mick admitted when the portal dissolved.

“Yep.”

The End!!!

_I’m the Music Meister!_

_Ne’er-do-wells need ne’er rehearse!_

_I’m the Music Meister!_

_Beware, I guard the multiverse!_

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for taking time to read this ♪ Enjoy what you do here and everywhere ♫


End file.
